the things i wish you could see

i still find you
in the most ordinary places.

in the coffee that tastes better
because i have nowhere to rush back to.
in the streets i walk without explaining myself.
in the little things i would have told you
before the day was even over.

sometimes, something beautiful happens
and my first instinct is still you.

you would have loved this,
i think, before remembering
that loving something together
is no longer something we do.

and i hate how, for a moment,
the world becomes a little less bright
because you are not here to witness it.

i wish you were here
to see and experience this with me.

i wish you could see the person
i am becoming in your absence,
the small victories i no longer announce,
the places i have learned to go alone,
the parts of myself i am meeting
for the very first time.

i wish you could see me happy.

not because i want you to regret leaving,
but because there was a time
when you knew every version of my sadness,
and i thought you would be there
to meet my happiness, too.

but then, there are days
when i catch myself laughing
without wondering if you would laugh,
when i make a decision
without imagining what you would say,
when i come home to myself
and realize i have not looked for you all day.

the world is still beautiful.
the sky still knows how to turn gold.
new songs still find their way into me.
there are mornings i want to wake up for,
roads i have yet to take,
versions of my life
that have never known your name.

and for the first time,
i can love these things
without needing you beside me
to make them real.

i am happy that i get to see
and experience all these
because i am no longer with you.

there.
i said it.

and somehow,
it does not erase the first thing.

i can wish you were here
and be grateful you are not.
i can miss the way we were
without wanting to return to who i was.
i can mourn the future i imagined with you
while quietly falling in love
with the future that found me anyway.

perhaps healing is not a door
that closes once and stays closed.

perhaps it is standing in the middle
of a life that is finally mine,
with one hand still reaching
for what used to be
and the other learning
to hold what is.

some days,
i am the person who misses you.

some days,
i am the person who is glad
we did not last.

most days,
i am both.

and maybe i do not have to choose
between being grateful for the love
and being grateful that it ended.

maybe i can remember you
without making every beautiful thing
a reason to return.

maybe one day,
i will see something wonderful
and you will not be the first person
i wish could see it.

but today,
you still are,
sometimes.

and today,
i am still here,
seeing it anyway.

the sun still sets.
the coffee still cools.
the world keeps opening
its impossible little doors.

and i keep walking through them.

not entirely over you,
not waiting for you,
not who i was when i loved you,
not yet who i will be
when remembering you
no longer haunts me.

just here.

in the quiet, complicated middle
of missing what i lost
and loving what i have found.

to wish you were here
without wishing i could go back.

to be happy without you
without pretending i never wanted
to be happy with you.

and when something beautiful happens,
even if a part of me still thinks of you,
i will let myself stay
long enough to enjoy it.